THREE WAYS TO BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE (AT ANY AGE) ✨
IT'S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT
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IT'S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT 🌷
I know you’ve heard it, but let me start by saying this: Comparison is the thief of joy. The internet is not reality. Growth is not linear. With age, comes wisdom.
Now with all of that said.. let’s talk about confidence! Specifically, how I was able to build my confidence as someone who is a chronic people pleaser. I won’t lie - I’ve considered myself a “confident person” my entire life. But at the age of 27 I’m able to reflect upon the different stages of my life and realize that for a very long time I focused on making sure others believed I was confident instead of doing the work internally.
➡️ I like to describe it like this.. imagine going to dinner with someone and they spend the ENTIRE dinner telling you how rich they are. They talk about all the luxury items they own, how hard they work and all the amazing experiences they have thanks to their wealth. That would be odd, right? In reality, most wealthy people don’t feel the need to tell you they’re wealthy.. they just are. 👀
That’s all to say - I feel the same way about confidence. Most people who spend their energy worrying about if others perceive them as confident (guilty 🙋🏼♀️) aren’t that confident after all. If the perception of others and your confidence has been a thought that has crossed your mind once or twice in your lifetime, hopefully my perspective (and 27 yrs of experience) will help shift your perspective.
For context, I was born with a facial vascular birthmark. Before you roll your eyes and think “here she goes with the sob story” - hear me out. 😏 I spent the majority of my childhood listening to my parents defend my appearance to strangers. I was CONSTANTLY reminded that I looked different. Regardless of whether it was a quick shifty eye in the elevator or a blatant “what happened to your face?” - the reminder was there and quite frankly, made me compare myself to others all 👏 the 👏 time.
To this day I frequently wonder, would my life be different if I wasn’t born this way? While there is no sense in going down that rabbit hole, I share that thought to hopefully normalize that we are all human and intrusive thoughts exist no matter how much work we put in.
So, where do you start? 😫 I’m a firm believer that with age and experience comes confidence. But that’s most likely not the answer you’re looking for - so instead, I’m going to tell you some of the work I’ve put in to help build my confidence alongside aging. ⤵️
First of all, I read this book. 📕 I’ll caution you - it’s a bit “woo woo” and errs on the spiritual side but regardless of your beliefs, the messaging is priceless. There is a lesson in the book that completely shifted the way that I view myself and negative self-talk so I’ll summarize that for you below!
Imagine your being (or body) as one person (Person A) and separate the voice inside your head as a second person (Person B). You (Person A) is tasked with spending the afternoon with Person B (the voice inside your head). You go to lunch, walk around a shopping mall and maybe catch a movie before heading home. The entire time you’re with Person B you can’t help but notice that while you’re having a nice time, they can’t stop making rude remarks. They’re supposed to be your friend, someone you trust and a source of happiness for you but instead they throw out comments such as.. “is your stomach flat enough?”, “have you read enough books lately?”, “are your parents proud of you today?”.
The rude and random remarks by Person B derail your day and ultimately, make you want to cut your time together short. 😞 After going home you decide you probably won’t be making plans with Person B again and feel saddened that your perfect day with a friend was ruined by some mean comments they made. Following the interaction it’s clear this Person B is not someone that betters you as a person and you choose to distance yourself.
Now, let’s reframe the interaction above. When separating your mind and body, it’s easy to realize how damaging negative self talk really is. But for some reason, we still allow it to happen every day, all day (if you’re like me that is). And the scary reality is that - Person B lives inside of our head and unlike real life friendships, we can’t escape or avoid Person B. They’re here with us for life - so, what are we going to do about it? ⤵️
Separating the voice inside my head has made a massive impact on my confidence. It helps me reframe my thinking and ultimately, has rewired my brain to recognize (and stop) negative self talk the second my mind starts wandering. Is that to say I’ve completely rid myself of negative thinking? Absolutely not - I’m human! But this simple reframe may be a great place to start if you’re someone who’s thoughts tend to be overrun by self doubt, negative body talk and worry.
🤔 If that doesn’t work for you - I’ll revert to my favorite advice which is to get comfortable with your own company. As depressing as it sounds, the only person we truly can depend on in this lifetime is ourselves. The more time you spend getting to know YOU, the better you will be for the people around you. Gentle reminder that you can’t pour from an empty cup! ☕️
One of my favorite ways to “get to know myself further” is to do my favorite things.. alone! You can keep it simple (and preferably, device free). But I find a change of environment and pure silence from the outside world (aka no social media) can work wonders in times where you just don’t feel that confident.
The last piece of advice I’ll share is a bit more vanity focused and that is.. your appearance. 🙆🏼♀️ Am I telling you to spend a bunch of money and change the way you look? No, not really (unless you want to, of course 😉). When changing your appearance - perhaps you start by forcing yourself to get dressed (in real clothes, not sweats or athletic wear) every single day for a week. Maybe you try a new hairstyle or eyeshadow for work? Maybe you wear a color you typically stay away from? Or maybe - you start wearing clothes that are not traditionally deemed as “trendy” but instead, bring YOU joy.
All I want in this life is for everyone to feel the happiness and joy they deserve. My journey with confidence is still ongoing but I hope it brings you peace and comfort to know that we’re all in this together. Whether you’re 9 or 79 years old, I hope you know that you deserve to smile when you look in the mirror - even if you’re not yet where you hope to be. 🩷
I’m rooting for you today, tomorrow and the next day.
I would love to know where you’re at with your self-love and confidence journey in the comments section below.
Sending you love and lots of smiles!
XOXOX
Reagan Baylee 🩷
